Fall Apart
by Charlotte Wright
Summary: What if Izzie didn't cope with everything quite as well as it seemed? Rated T for later chapters.
1. The Wedding

Fall Apart - Chapter One

Izzie Redpath stopped crying months ago. She was broken-hearted and she was depressed, but she didn't cry anymore. Too much to do and not enough time to do it, which was just the way she liked it. She was difficult to be around at first (Chlo wasn't shy in saying so), but gradually, she started to smile again. She loved going to work again. She could spend time with her family and friends, too, but most importantly, she didn't cry anymore.

That was, until Tom Clarkson professed his undying love for her.

Then, her whole carefully constructed world fell apart beneath her. Her heart broke more than she knew possible, and much to her annoyance, the tears started to fall again.

_"It's the truth; I love ya."_

Crying over Tom _bloody _Clarkson, of all people. What was she like?

She'd been absolutely fine for months. She was starting to settle into the mundane and simple life she was building for herself and that idiot knocked it all down in an instant. Of course she loved him! He was Tom, for God's sake. But he was her best mate's fiancé and Lorna always came first in her eyes.

She had been breaking her heart over the man for months, but Lorna had never been happier with him. She loved him back, but her feelings didn't matter here.

_"Rubbish," _was all she could say. Her eyes never left his, challenging him to keep up this stupid act. How could he love her when he had Lorna in his life? Lorna was a lot of things, but she was certainly a less complicated to be with than Izzie was. She was insecure and sad, holding back floods of emotions with a crumbling stop gate. Izzie was a fragment of the fun and lighthearted person she used to be, but she never thought there was anything particularly wrong with that. Not until Tom made her think about what she wanted for her life and how bloody much she loved the stupid man.

But Tom wasn't kidding.

In spite of all her character flaws, Tom Clarkson was in love with her.

In the days following Tom's admission, Izzie could feel that familiar sense of panic set over her. Mika's attitude was only growing worse, Chlo was going off the rails, and the closer it got to Tom and Lorna's wedding, the more and more panicked she was beginning to get. Never did she expect to be thankful for the distraction of Jimmy being his usual stupid self, but thanks to him, she had little to no time to worry about everything going on in her life.

On the day of Tom and Lorna's wedding, she decided to focus on her duties as maid of honour. Chlo's underage drinking and concerning relationship with Donte Charles didn't matter today; she had the rings to worry about. Mika's defiance towards her since Jimmy ran off with Shelley was irrelevant; she had to make sure Lorna's hairdresser found the suite with no trouble. She had even managed to convince herself that Tom loving her didn't matter, it was just last minute nerves on his part and he just needed a way out. She had convinced herself that he'd be happier with Lorna than her; Lorna was prettier, smarter, more confident and less complicated. Izzie was an absolute mess.

Tom didn't see it that way.

In fact, he made a point of saying so when Lorna slipped out of the room.

_"Izzie, it's not too late. Seriously, just say the words."_

She could only shake her head and open the nearest bottle of booze, albeit far too early to be drinking. How was she supposed to get through the wedding now?

By 1pm, Izzie was tipsy. She'd found Grantley in the hopes he'd be in a worse state than she was, but he seemed absolutely fine by comparison. He was dressed smartly, didn't smell of a drop of booze and was stood well behaved with his wife, who did not look impressed by her.

"See," he said, indicating to his colleague. "Izzie started early, she's _celebrating._"

Far from it, Grantley, she thought. Smiling instead, she replied, "Got Lorna a bottle, 'case she needed to calm the nerves. Seems I'm the only nervous one."

Looking around the hotel bar, she was right. Smiling faces all round, love was certainly in the air. She saw Lorna and Tom waiting, seemingly content. Jack and Steph. Kim and Andrew. She was the only one alone.

"I'm going to the loo before kick off," she said, receiving only smiling nods from the pair. Her heart pounded against her chest and the room started to spin. Why was she even letting this go ahead? Tom didn't love Lorna, hadn't for months apparently. Lorna didn't deserve this; she deserved someone who loved her.

_Tom would love her, if it wasn't for you. You've ruined everything._

Izzie barged from the suffocatingly tiny room into the even smaller toilet cubicles next door. Why couldn't she breathe? She had to breathe. Just breathe in and out, in and out until she could face this stupid ceremony and get through the night.

She loved Tom, so bloody much. But he and Lorna were meant to be together and that was something she'd have to learn to live with; even if the mere thought of losing him killed her.


	2. The Kiss

Fall Apart - Chapter 2

She had went the entire wedding without crying. She'd come bloody close during her speech, but she'd managed. She'd coped with the ceremony and the speeches, but the minute she finished her second bottle of wine, it was time for Tom and Lorna's first dance and by the time that was finished; Izzie was a complete wreck.

_"We wouldn't be here without you, Iz," _Lorna said, absolutely and utterly sincerely. Izzie shook her head.

_"Tom would have come to his senses."_

He probably wouldn't have, she knew that. But it wasn't his fault. It was hers and hers alone. She seemed to wreck everything, so when she was given the chance to fix it, she did. Lorna needn't thank her - Izzie shouldn't have caused the situation in the first place.

Maybe she'd been too friendly once or twice, given him the wrong idea. Tom had been absolutely committed to Lorna since university, why on Earth had he chosen now to stray away?

It didn't matter now, she thought, watching the pair dance through cloudy eyes. She wouldn't have to explain her tears to anyone - they were happy tears for her two best friends. She was happy for them and couldn't wait to see what came their way next.

It wasn't untrue.

But Izzie didn't cry happy tears; only sad tears and tears of utter despair.

And she knew where she stood on today's issue.

She felt a tapping on her shoulder; Jack.

"C'mon," he urged, a cheeky grin on his face. "Let's have a dance, Izzie."

She had tried to refuse. But Jack seemed insistent and as maid of honour, she had meant to find someone to dance with following the couple's first dance, really, she had. Except the only man she wanted to dance with had just married her oldest friend and was currently engaged in a waltz with said friend.

It took her a moment to realise she was crying. Jack looked at her curiously.

"Are you happy for them?"

"Why would you ask that?" She snapped, stiffening up her guard. God sake, don't crack the resolve. We've still got hours left at this damn party.

His face softened, "Izzie, you're crying."

She shrugged, wiping at her tears and closed the gap between the pair once more. His eyes continued criticising her as the song played on, but he didn't mention it again.

After speaking to Lorna, she found a way out of the conversation in that she wanted to check up on the girls. She expected they'd be fine, but she really needed a moment away from all the love and happiness and to fall back down to Earth. Somehow, speaking to Jimmy seemed preferable to chatting with Lorna any longer about her role in making the wedding happen.

_"I've gone home," _Jimmy told her over the phone, and she could practically hear him shrug. He explained that the girls were fine, they were only watching telly and they were old enough to be left on their own.

She'd had enough.

Slamming the room door behind her, she rushed for the exit, dying for a sneaky cigarette and to call a cab home. Jimmy had a point; the girls would be fine. But she had explicitly asked that he spend the night with them. Useless bloody bastard.

Why she was so angry, she couldn't put her finger on. Was it Jimmy leaving the girls alone, or Jimmy leaving the girls to go home to Shelley? Did he do it because the girls didn't want him there or did he do it to wind her up? What was his bloody problem?

As she took the first drag of her cigarette, she found herself unable to stop the tears now. Months and months without a single tear and now they were falling in floods.

What did she do to deserve such a bloody mess?

_"Thought you'd given up the fags?" _he asked, Tom, standing by her side. Was this just a feeble attempt at conversation? What did it look like?

_"Well, I lied. Didn't I?" _

A little too quick there, Iz. Voice too hoarse to pretend she was okay, she quickly wiped at her tears and took another drag of her cigarette.

_"What's up?" _

Like he cared, she thought, shaking her head at her own absurdity. Of course Tom cared! God, what was she like? She was too tired for this minefield with Tom and Lorna. Couldn't she just forget about it and move on?

Making up some rubbish about Jimmy, her eyes never once met his. She focused on the cigarette smoke, burning in her throat. Breathing in and out - the longer you held the smoke in, the better it would feel. The more she focused on the cigarette, the less she had to worry about the feeling of Tom's body at her side. She would be fine, the cab would be here any minute and she wouldn't have to see either of them again until the returned from their honeymoon.

_"Anything I can do for you, Iz. Anytime."_

Her eyes met his, clouded by tears once more, "_What I said before, about you and Lorna... I meant it. I just want you both to be really happy."_

It was true. Lorna was her oldest mate, and Tom made her very, very happy. She really did want nothing but the best for the couple, even if that meant endorsing her own misery. She had merely been wondering why she couldn't have it both. Why couldn't they all just be happy?

That was simple, she chided herself. _Lorna has the one thing that'll make you happy; Tom. _

_"I know that," _replied Tom, smiling up at her. "_I'm really going to try and make this work."_

_"Well you better had," _she said, words turning slowly into a sob. She had lasted the whole day, probably would have made it all the way home without a proper cry if it wasn't for him. But she couldn't help it - for all the misery she was putting herself through, Tom Clarkson was going to do more than just _try _and make it work. He _would _make it work.

He pulled her into his arms, a gesture of a true friend, she thought. And for a split second, she had never felt safer in anyone's arms.

But then she remembered, this couldn't be the gesture of just a mate. _He told you only days ago that he loves you, Iz. Those feelings don't just disappear because he's married now._

Her cries grew louder as she struggled out of his embrace, hoping to God the bloody taxi would just pull up right about now. But as she got to her feet, her body was wracked with sobs and the taxi was nowhere to be seen.

He pulled her gently round to see him and brown eyes locked on blue. She begged him silently to just let her go, not to do something he was going to regret. But in typical Tom Clarkson style, he read her thoughts and shook his head - _sod it_, probably running through his mind. Her alcohol influenced mind took a moment to catch up, and before she knew it, his lips were on hers.

She kissed him back, tears seeming to halt with one single action and just for a moment, she felt that safe feeling once more. Why did it feel so right being in Tom's arms? Why did she feel like she could conquer the world with just one kiss?

_Because you love him, you silly sod._

Just as she felt ready to give into her feelings, the headlights of a car illuminated the scene and she panicked. Finally it hit her; she had betrayed her best friend and Lorna was never going to forgive her. No matter how drunk she was, she should have known better. She was a grown woman and she was behaving like some stupid teenager with no concerns for Lorna's feelings and no regards of the consequences. How could she forgive herself, never mind Lorna forgiving her?

She darted for the cab, ignoring Tom's plea for her to wait. He had known her for long enough, he would know how guilty she was to feel, how she'd punish herself for days. She wouldn't want to be talked out of her feelings and she certainly didn't want to risk falling into his arms once more.

All she wanted was to go home, have a very big glass of water, and prepare for tomorrow's hangover. She'd have to ring Jimmy and read him the riot act. Perhaps once she'd dealt with the splitting headache and probable vomiting, she would take Chlo and Mika out for their tea, just because. She was a mother, a teacher - she wasn't a home wrecker. Tom needed to be with Lorna, he wasn't an adulterer. He was a loving and caring bloke, and she knew he loved Lorna.

_"Miss Redpath," _Jack called, and she turned, teary-eyed back to look at him. _"Could you drop Miss Haydock off on your way home?"_

Somehow, Steph Haydock ended up beside her in the taxi, mumbling something about Jack and she dancing. Izzie didn't particularly care, she had her own silent tears to cry. But when Steph's hand sat on her arm, she felt compelled to listen to the drunk. After all, she couldn't go anywhere.

_"Izzie, Tom's with Lorna now."_

She laughed, "_I know, Steph. I was at their wedding, too."_

But Steph didn't laugh, only pulled away and settled into her seat more comfortably. Izzie watched her, waiting to see if there was a point to the story. Steph simply shut her eyes and rested her head back against the seat. With a sigh, Izzie done the same, willing the headache to start while it was ahead.

_"You'd do well to remember it, then," _spoke Steph, a slight sting to her words.

Izzie sobered up in that very moment, eyes watching Steph widely, "_Steph-_"

_"Do you think Jack likes me back?"_

Izzie didn't know. What she did know, however, was that she was in trouble.


	3. The Accident

Fall Apart - Chapter 3

Izzie darted awake at the sound of her phone ringing, head splitting with dehydration to be expected from one bottle of wine too many. She glanced at the number calling, one she didn't recognise, and answered with a frown.

_"Hello?"_

A Mancunian voice, doused in exhaustion and concern, "_Miss Redpath?"_

_"Speaking."_

_"This is Dr. Patterson calling from Rochdale Infirmary. We have your daughter here, Chlo Grainger. She was involved in a road traffic accident about an hour ago."_

Izzie grabbed the clock on her bedside table - 2am. Why the hell was Chlo in hospital? Why wasn't she at home in bed?

"_Is she alright?"_

_"Aside from a fractured wrist, I think she's in shock. But she'll be fine. Her friends weren't so lucky."_

Izzie nodded, headache only growing more painful with each passing minute. Pressing the phone tighter into her ear, she took a deep breath.

"_I'll be as quick as I can," _she replied, pushing herself out of bed and over to the mirror to get herself tidied up. She was still in her bridesmaid dress and her eyes were red from crying, but it didn't matter. Chlo was all that mattered in this moment in time, even if she deserved a right talking to when the time was right.

_But Adam Deardon was dead and Holly Tattershall was in a coma. _

Neither Chlo nor Donte could remember what had happened (or at least, didn't want to remember). While Chlo was kept in on observation, she clung to Izzie every moment she wasn't being fussed over by a nurse or doctor. Chlo sobbed her heart out for a while and then eventually, she ran out of things to say. Izzie simply held her, because what could she say that would come close to making it all better?

She should have been angry with Chlo. She had betrayed her and Jimmy's trust and now, a child was dead.

But she couldn't bring herself to be angry; because Chlo was alive. There was going to be consequences, she knew that. But right now, she just had to be present.

_"How was the wedding?" _Asked Chlo, pulling away from her mother's embrace.

She sighed, _"It was nice. Had a bit too much to drink, mind you."_

_"Did I drag you away from the wedding?" _She asked, finally taking in her mother's attire. Izzie shook her head, laughing at how much of a mess she must have looked.

"_No, love. You didn't. But if you had, I need you to remember you're much more important to me than a night out."_

_"It's a bit more than that, though. They've been planning this since I was in primary school."_

Izzie shrugged, "_Doesn't matter."_

_"But mum-"_

_"It doesn't matter, Chlo," _Izzie smiled. "_You're my priority and all that matters is that you're okay_."

Chlo shook her head, "_Adam and Holly aren't though."_

_"I know, darling."_

_"Does dad know what happened?"_

_"No. I'll ring him in the morning."_

She was absolutely going to kill him if she ever laid eyes on him again. She hated him, she hated that stupid, little shit, Jimmy. If he'd stayed with the girls; none of this would have ever happened.

So, she decided to give it a couple of hours to try and calm down. She was furious (whether she was right to be or not) and involving Jimmy when she felt so angry was a terrible idea. It wasn't likely to do Chlo any favours.

Chlo fell asleep shortly after, leaving Izzie alone with her thoughts. She walked over to the window, just as the first wave of nausea hit, hangover well on the way. She just wanted another drink; a glass of wine would hit the spot. She'd be happier and she knew from over 20 years experience; alcohol was the best cure for a hangover.

She shook her head at her own stupidity. Kissing Tom on her best friend's wedding night, getting so incredibly drunk - why did she even go to the wedding in the first place? If she hadn't, none of this would have happened.

Her head pounded against her skull, so painfully that she finally gave into her need to throw up. She knelt over the toilet in the hospital bathroom, willing everything away as the sun started to rise over Rochdale.

_Make it stop, _her mind screamed for hours. Between the first bout of sickness and the last later that evening, Izzie had ignored three calls from Tom, two from Mika and one from Jimmy. She had caught up with Mika back at the house, but the thought of speaking with either Tom or Jimmy filled her with dread.

So, she had tended to Chlo, made sure she got to bed alright and was settled back in at home before cracking open a bottle of wine and settling on the sofa for the night.

It had taken 24 hours, but eventually, the events of the past day hit her hard; Tom marrying Lorna, Tom kissing Izzie, Jimmy leaving the girls, Chlo in an accident, Adam Deardon dead, Holly Tattersall in critical condition-

_Stop. Too many thoughts for one mind, _she decided. Drinking straight from the bottle, she lay back onto the sofa with a sigh, waiting for the alcohol to take it all away. It may have taken an hour or two, but once it had kicked in, Izzie finally fell asleep without a single dream, only one final thought for how Tom was doing before she finally gave into the greater need for sleep.


	4. The Aftermath

Fall Apart - Chapter 4

It was the first day back at school, and the childish part of Izzie just fancied another day at home. Her and Chlo had sat in their pyjamas all week, eating takeaway and watching rubbish telly. Chlo had been in pieces since the accident and Izzie wasn't much better. She wanted to just hide away forever, forget everything that had happened and just not come back out. She felt absolutely dreadful.

But the adult in her finally kicked in when even Chlo said she was ready to face the school day and Izzie decided that she would get ready for work too. Chlo didn't know what was wrong with her mother; Izzie had made sure of that. But she had recognised within herself that there was indeed something and gave up the stroppy teenager act, just for this week, and was actually very kind.

She and Jimmy had come to blows over the events of that night; Jimmy saying she shouldn't have went to the wedding that night, Izzie saying he shouldn't have left the girls to go shag Shelley... it was just a right bloody mess. Mika was back to hating her again - _how dare she stop the girls from seeing their father? _

Unfortunately, this was just the final straw for her. If it had _just _been leaving the girls alone the other night, she might have been more reasonable. But all the hurt of the past year, stopping his cheques for the girls - it was more than enough to stop her from letting him spend anymore time in their company.

Mika didn't see that, though.

In fact, the moment the car pulled up at school, Mika darted from the car. With a sigh, she looked over at Chlo in the passenger seat.

_"Are you ready, darling?"_

Chlo nodded, "_Mum, can we..."_

_"What?"_

_"Have a night in tonight?"_

Izzie patted at her shoulder with the first smile she'd managed since the wedding. Killing the ignition, she nodded towards the school.

"_Make a good go at this today and we'll order in tonight."_

_"Yeah?" _Chlo's face lit up. Izzie nodded.

"_Yeah. So let's get in; the sooner we're in, the sooner we can go home."_

The moment she got through the door, that familiar sense of panic set in once more. To make it worse, the moment her chest started aching, she clocked Tom and Lorna, standing by reception, obviously having returned from their honeymoon. If she was quick about it, she might be able to dash to her classroom unnoticed. She really wasn't in the mood for hearing every last detail of the events of the week. She had only come back today out of a sense of obligation and to support Chlo. She wasn't interested in anything else, frankly.

Not that it was Lorna's fault, mind.

"_Izzie!"_

_Fuck, "Hi, Lorna."_

_"How's Chlo's arm?"_

She shrugged, and so ensued small talk on the issue of the accident. Lorna didn't particularly care, there was something else on her mind and the small issue of a dead student and Izzie's daughter was shadowed by whatever Lorna was going to say. She had known Lorna for over 15 years, she was just plain predictable now.

_"Listen, Izzie. We wanted you to be the first to know, and you'll soon notice anyway; I'm pregnant."_

Izzie's heart stopped. _No. _

"_3 months," _Lorna added, grin spread across her face. Izzie took a moment to consider the facts; Lorna had been pregnant for months, Tom told her he loved her the same week he was marrying Lorna, Izzie kissed Tom on his wedding night - the night he married her pregnant best friend.

"Congratulations," she managed, trying to match Lorna's smile, but failing miserably. _Shit. Shit! SHIT! _

Her brain was literally on the cusp of exploding. _Why did Tom kiss her if he knew Lorna was pregnant? FUCK! _Lorna was never going to forgive her.

_"3 months?"_

Lorna couldn't help but laugh, "_You have a lot on your mind, we just wanted you to be the first to know."_

And even though she thought it unlikely, her heart finally shattered. No. _Where is a god damn magic wand when you need one?_

As Lorna turned to walk away, her teary eyes met Tom's. She tried to ask him a million questions; _did you know Lorna was pregnant when you told me you loved me? Are you seriously going to make me that child's godmother? Are you as gutted as I am? What are we going to do now?_

Tom simply followed after Lorna, not acknowledging her hurt in the slightest. What was the point? They couldn't carry on like this, not now Lorna was pregnant.

And it was in that moment Izzie felt no other urge but to chuck herself under a bus; there was no hope for her now. She needed someone to love her and her kids to settle down and her family to just give it a rest.

Perhaps she was being punished; _it was exactly what she deserved._


	5. The Fight

There was a time when Jimmy cared for her. It wasn't all that long ago that he used to compliment her hair, or her body, when he'd run her a bath after a hard day or hold her when she cried.

He genuinely used to love her.

Now, however, things had changed.

She was desperate to get home. News had relayed to Chlo of Donte's arrest, and she was absolutely gutted. Mika was being her usual stroppy self and Izzie had frankly had enough of it all.

But of course, Jimmy had to go and make things worse.

_"Jimmy! Where are you? I'm gonna kill you for this."_

Mika tried to defend him. Her loyalty to him was lovely, really, but she was so sick of her not seeing what he truly was; a waste of space.

Tom and Lorna pulled up, noting her obvious despair. They tried to settle her, calm her down, but the moment she heard his voice, she only saw red.

_"Need a lift, girls?"_

Her heart pounded painfully against her chest, "_You swine!"_

Kids in the playground halted at the sound of her yelling, as well as parents, curious to the drama unfolding before them. Izzie didn't care; _she was going to kill him._

She was furious, but sobered up at the sound of Tom joining her defence.

"_Just give her the keys, will you, Jimmy?"_

She tried to ignore him, to ignore Lorna's face of confusion and urging to let Izzie and Jimmy sort it out. But he wouldn't budge.

_"She gets enough hassle off him!" _Tom said, moving closer to the scene before her.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Until Jimmy called her a _lunatic, _and then Tom threw a punch.

Eventually, Izzie gave Jimmy the keys back. They made sure he had driven away and then took Lorna up on her offer for a lift him.

_"Are you alright?" _Lorna asked her, eyeing her up through the rear view mirror. She shook her head slightly and watched the streets pass by out of the window.

The car was silent save for Mika's fingers tapping the buttons on her phone, leaving them all with their thoughts.


	6. The Abortion

Chapter 6 - The Abortion

_Really sorry for the delay! I work in healthcare and we have a bit of a crisis on our hands at the moment, haha! Keep safe and message me if I can help in anyway, I know this is very overwhelming and you are not alone._

As weeks passed, she found herself more and more overwhelmed by the things life was throwing at her.

Last week, Lorna had convinced her that she should come along with her to the termination of she and Tom's baby. Lorna was sure she would end up divorced if she and Tom had this baby, and was having the baby all that important? _They could have another baby_, Lorna's voice rung in her ears. Well, what if they couldn't? What if this was their one chance to start a family? Tom needed time to come round, he was a bloke. They were flighty and indecisive. But Tom was one of the good ones. _Give Tom the chance to love this baby, I know he'll prove me right._

She didn't even hesitate. Lorna was always like this. Even at university you knew that if Lorna had her mind made up, there was no going back. Maybe all she could do was support her? Maybe Izzie's duty as a friend was merely to make sure she got home safely and to let it be.

So why did she feel so guilty?

Tom had called her afterwards, later that night, sobbing his eyes out. Had Lorna told him the truth?

_"Izzie, hi. I don't want to upset you, but Lorna lost the baby."_

She was silent for a moment, genuinely shocked that Lorna had lied to him. Not only had she passed it off as a miscarriage, but had left Izzie entirely out of the situation. Maybe she should have been thankful.

_"Tom, what happened? Are you okay?" _she asked, no regard for how Lorna was doing. She said she was going to tell him the truth. It was the only way their marriage would survive. But Lorna wasn't one for the truth, and Izzie should have known she would have lied.

_"No, no I'm not, Iz. I really messed up. I would have loved that kid, I just-"_

_"Tom, this is not your fault," _she insisted, tears filling her own eyes now. _"These things just happen. It's no one's fault."_

He sniffled, _"You think? Maybe if I had-"_

Shaking her head, tears began to fall, _"Tom, don't be stupid. There's nothing you could have done to stop this."_

Not technically a lie, she thought. Lorna, on the other hand...

_"We'll probably take the rest of the week off," _He said, back to business. _"If you can let everyone know what's happened, Lorna's going to need her mates, I think."_

_"No problem."_

It was the least she could do for him. What a shit mate she actually was; she didn't deserve him.

_"And Izzie, can I ask one last thing?"_

_"Name it."_

_"Can I come over to watch the game on Saturday? I'll bring the beer. I just... I want to be with a mate, right now."_

Much as she would have preferred him not to, how could she refuse? Although she had tried to talk Lorna out of it, she had failed. And because of that failure, Tom was really suffering. That kid must have meant so much to him, just like she said to Lorna it was going to. But she had made her choice, and Izzie had to respect that; even if it broke her heart to do so.

_"Course you can, silly bugger. Only condition is, you don't moan when we kick your arse."_

He chuckled, _"I'll try my best. Thanks, Izzie_. _I don't deserve you, you know that."_

As soon as the line went dead, she finally broke down. And it wasn't just tears, it was loud ugly sobs. How could she have done it - let Lorna go through with her abortion? How could she lie to Tom and let him think it was an accident? Lorna had her abortion with the best intentions, but Izzie knew it wasn't likely to stay under the carpet for long. He was going to be absolutely gutted when he found out, and he wasn't going to want her around when that happened. In fact, he was going to want her out of his life.

A tentative knock on the door broke her from her thoughts, and Chlo popped her head round the door, face full of concern. She approached slowly, judging if her mother's crying was something she really wanted to be involved in so late on a school night.

_"Mum? Are you okay?"_

Izzie shook her head, trying (in vain) to control her tears, _"Sorry, darling. Go back to bed."_

Chlo sat down beside her on her bed, waiting on an explanation, presumably. Izzie made a conscious effort to calm down. Chlo had enough going on without her mother's dramatics bringing her down even further.

_"Lorna lost the baby today. I'm just off the phone to Tom, he's gutted. I said he could come round on Saturday to watch the game."_

_"Right."_

_"Right, what?"_

_"And that's all you're upset about? Do you not want to watch the game or something?"_

_"My best mate lost her first child, Chlo! She must be gutted."_

_"Nothing to do with the fact Tom lost the baby and you're in love with him?"_

Izzie looked up sharply_, "Chlo-"_

She shook her head_, "Can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not judging, really I'm not. Mika thinks you just fancy him, but I know it's more than that. Anyway, I'll bring you a cuppa up."_

Izzie watched as Chlo headed downstairs to make the tea and wondered just how long ago it was that her baby got so much wisdom and got so grown up. She wiped her tears and grabbed a book from her nightstand, in an attempt to take her mind off of the days events.

_You can't help who you fall in love with._


	7. The Betrayal

Chapter 7 - The Betrayal

Tom had found out, of course he did. He knew everything. She didn't know how he knew, but he did.

_"I hope this is the last conversation you and I ever have," _he spoke, sharply and in meaning every single word. She knew he was angry, that was a given. But from what she could gather, Lorna had got off Scot-free. She was the one who'd had the abortion! That was the real betrayal! Izzie had tried to talk her out of it, and she had been so happy at the thought of her oldest mate having a baby - why would she have wanted Lorna to go through with it? Even if she and Tom had split up, she would have been there for her. She would have been the best auntie to that kid and the best friend to Lorna - because that's what both of them deserved.

But then she realised why Tom was angry and she could have cried; Tom was used to Lorna lying to him. She'd gotten rather good at hiding things from him throughout their relationship. But Izzie was the one person he felt he could still trust and she'd lied to him too. Such a realisation didn't mean she was unaffected by Tom's words. Hardly. But she knew that she deserved everything she got.

She should have told him about it the minute Lorna told her. Not because she was against abortion, _per se, _but she realised now that Tom had the right to be involved in that decision. It was Lorna's body, granted, but it was Tom's baby, too.

While she could see his point of view, she was just so entirely fed up of their dramas that she told him to shove it. Enough was enough. On top of the day she'd had, she just didn't need it.

She'd been punishing Jimmy for weeks, ever since the accident. He was a dreadful father, and because of his selfishness, Chlo could have been killed in that crash. Mika was convinced that she was being unfair, but Izzie honestly couldn't have cared less. He was an adult, and when adults made mistakes, they should be held accountable. Chlo had actually been on her side, too, for once. She hadn't blamed him for the accident, but the anger she still held over Jimmy leaving his family for Shelly was enough. She couldn't trust him either.

But apparently, Jimmy didn't like taking accountability for his actions. Maybe he felt guilty for everything he'd done to the family. Whatever was going on in his stupid head had prompted him to stage a _fathers for justice-_style protest on the school roof. She was blissfully unaware until Mika barged into the staff room, face held by a smirk and proclaimed: "_I think dad's on the roof... dressed as a bunny."_

Izzie might have laughed herself, if it wasn't her ex on the roof, chanting like a moron. Indeed, she found herself sobbing, rather than laughing, after a number of failed attempts to get him off the roof. Not only did her best mate now hate her, but for the first time in her career, she'd actually been humiliated in front of her colleagues and students. She felt trapped, like she couldn't go anywhere without people whispering or laughing at her. If she didn't feel utterly responsible for the havoc making waves through the school, she might have done a runner. But it _was _her fault and she had a responsibility. Much as she hated Jimmy, she would feel terrible if he fell off the roof. She didn't want the kids, particularly Chlo and Mika, having to witness something quite so terrible when they'd been through enough.

It was towards the end of the day when the finally got him down, Chlo and Mika finding out that Jimmy hadn't paid his Child Maintenance fees in the year they'd been separated. She hadn't struggled, not really. It wasn't like Jimmy even contributed all that much anyway. But she couldn't pretend it didn't hurt. The kids wanted nothing to do with him, either. And with that, she promised the kids she'd take them out for a burger or pizza after football practice.

_I hope this is the last conversation you and I ever have._

She'd taken off. How dare he? He could clean up the football kits on his own. She was off to have a brilliant with her girls. Of course, her rational had kicked in and she had realised what she had done to deserve his words of anger. Didn't mean she was happy to be spoken to like that, mind.

But she'd focus on the girls tonight, because her own family mattered more.

Mika realised that her mother may not have been acting out of spite, rather, with the aim of protecting the girls from their father's behaviour. She had apologised the entire way home; for going against her wishes about seeing Jimmy, for reading her diary, for her attitude in the past few weeks. She was so upset it only served to break Izzie's heart even further. She loved her kids so much and finally she felt like it was reciprocated.

_"Right, Chlo," _she said, crisp in hand. It was silly, really. Chucking crisps into one another's mouths (usually missing, occasionally scoring). But it was a laugh, they were all laughing. And besides, Izzie was actually pretty good at it.

_"I went to see Donte today, mum." _

She put the crisp back into the bowl, willing herself not to get angry. Chlo must have been kidding, it was just a sick, stupid joke.

_"How many times have I told you not to associate with that __**criminal**__._"

Chlo kept her eyes locked on her mother's defiant, _"If he's a criminal, then so am I."_

No, she explained. Donte is a criminal. He goes out looking for trouble. Chlo just seemed to stumble across it. _You're not like him, Chlo. Do not think for one second you are anything like that boy. _Chlo was kind-hearted, loyal, clever. Donte was, yeah, a criminal. A lowlife. A bully. He was in prison quicker than she expected, but he still ended up there.

_"I was driving the car that night."_

The world stopped for a moment. No. She had to be lying. Was the another joke? Why wasn't Chlo laughing? Mika looked equally as shocked, putting down her food and standing up, mumbling something about homework she still had to finish. Izzie's eyes never left Chlo's - hoping to catch a glimpse of something, anything, that would help her suss out the more complex of her two daughters. A moment; but nothing.

"_Chlo, do you realise what you're saying? I don't think you do."_

_"Yeah," she insisted. "I was driving the car that night. It's my fault Adam's dead, it's my fault Holly's in a coma. Alright?"_

Chlo stood up, attempting to brush past her mother. Izzie wouldn't budge, hand tight on Chlo's elbow.

_"No, Chlo. Not alright. Chlo, I know you think you love Donte, but you need to think about what you're saying-"_

_"I love Donte!"_

And finally, she snapped.

_"Chlo, enough!" she screamed, holding her even tighter than before. Chlo flinched at the volume of her mother, but she couldn't care less. Enough was enough. _

_"If you want to wreck your life for this boy, be my guest. Just don't come running to me when you end up in prison for something you didn't do. Have I done something to deserve this?"_

Chlo pulled her arm out of her mother's grip, _"You're just so miserable because you fancy someone you can't have. Mr Clarkson is married, mum. Time to move on, yeah?"_

Izzie looked away, taking a break from her anger for only a moment, substituted for embarrassment. When she looked back, it was pure anger once more, and she knew Chlo had realised she'd gone too far this time. She opened her mouth to apologise, but her mother merely shook her head; no.

"_Get out of my sight."_

Chlo darted from the room, just in time to miss the beginning of the hysterics. By the time the sobbing and smashing of glasses had started, Chlo had run past Mika on the stairs, making it a priority to speak to Mr Clarkson in the morning.


	8. The Intrusive Thought

Fall Apart - Chapter 8

Izzie hadn't slept at all that night. Worried for Chlo and feeling absolutely worthless; she'd found solace in a bottle of wine and a secret packet of cigarattes she kept stashed under the sink.

It has started with her fight with Chlo. The bowl of crisps was smashed, then her glass of wine and the vase on the table - it took no time at all before she was on the floor in hysterics and Mika and Chloe had made a quick escape upstairs. It wasn't long after that she had that same intrusive thought that had been plaguing her mind since Jimmy left her for Shelly - _maybe it would be better if i wasn't here._

It _was _a thought she had discussed with her GP, before being almost immediately dismissed. She had went for a follow up appointment (she hadn't been sleeping very well after Jimmy left her) and mentioned it in passing.

_"Do you think it's normal to not want to be here?"_

He had looked at her over his glasses, testing, asked, _"Are you suicidal, Miss Redpath?"_

She shook her head quickly, _"God no, I just don't want to be alive sometimes."_

He only nodded and continued typing on his computer. There was no more talk of not wanting to be alive - but he did stop her course of sleeping pills.

When she snapped out of her daydream, Chlo was standing by the door in her uniform, concern washed over her face. Presumably, she was worried by the thick smell of smoke in the kitchen or the empty bottle of wine on the table - but Izzie could never be sure. Perhaps she was concerned that Izzie wouldn't be able to take her to school and she'd have to, God forbid, walk?

"Mum, what you doing?"

Izzie acknowledged her with a nod, "Chlo, hi. I'm drinking. Probably won't make it into school this morning."

She was aware of Chlo joining her at the table, but made no move to check. Who cares?

"Mum, you need to get dressed. Look, I'm sorry for what I said last night. I shouldn't have said it, I was well out of order."

"Yeah, you were," she replied, draining the last of her glass of wine. "Doesn't really matter does it?"

"Why not?"

"You were right."

Chlo rested her shoulder on her mum's shoulder, "I'm sorry, mum."

"Yeah, you've said," she said, more quietly this time. "You should get going to school. Where's Mika?"

"She headed in early, she's got a French mock, remember?"

Izzie didn't remember; if she had she would have woken up early and made sure she got breakfast, drove her in early so she could revise - she really wasn't always so useless! She wasn't always such a shit mum, but she had been preoccupied with Tom and she just hadn't given the girls the time they deserved. She was, at the very least, selfish.

"Look, will I cover for you today? I need to hand in an essay to Mr Clarkson so I can't really skive, but I can say to Mr Rimmer you're not well."

Izzie contemplated it for a moment. Maybe a day at home would be exactly what she needed? She was obviously tired and wasn't thinking straight enough to speak more than a few words, never mind teach a class. Then there was the issue of getting to school - she was definitely over the limit and didn't fancy a drink-driving conviction after 15 years of a clean license. What she did need, however, was to go to bed and sleep this off.

"Would you mind saying to Mr Rimmer for me?"

Chlo shook her head, "It's fine, least I can do, isn't it?"

The minute Chlo left, the tears began to fall. Not quiet ones either, no, loud, noisy sobs that would have echoed around the whole house.

_maybe it would be better if I wasn't here._

This time, she believed it. And she cried and cried until finally she was too tired to cry anymore and finally lit the last cigarette in the packet. Darn, she'd have to remember to buy another pack when she was out next.

She took up smoking at university after Tom encouraged her to take up smoking on a night out. She'd been dumped by her then boyfriend, Chris, and was just too depressed to even drown her sorrows in her then drink of choice, rum and coke. They'd went outside because Izzie was feeling too claustrophobic in the club and because Tom was madly in love with Lorna but she currently had her tongue down a medical student's throat and he was gutted.

He'd only had two drags of the cigarette before he handed her an unsmoked cigarette.

_"One won't kill you."_

No, maybe not. But if the smoking didn't kill her, heartache would catch up on her eventually.

Back in the present day, she opened another bottle of wine as a cascade of tears slid down her cheeks and the damage was done. Maybe it would be better if she wasn't here.


End file.
